Care giver

Last night, while staring blankly on the images moving about on TV, I suddenly had a realization—all my life, I had been taking care of people. Being the eldest among four siblings, I had been expected to look after my younger brothers and sister since the start. I remember taking the three of them to school when I was in my senior year in high school. And staying home during weekends to wash our clothes, cook our meals, clean the house, etc. After my mom died when I was in second year, I took it upon myself to take care of the family, even my dad.

In college, it was the same. Although I lived away from my family, I was still the Ate (big sister) of everybody. My block mates relied on me for support—whether academically, morally, or sometimes financially. For them, I have always been the tough one, the shoulder to cry on even for one coño guy who couldn’t seem to survive the state university because he didn’t speak Tagalog.

I had always been the leader, the captain of the team, the take charge person who always knew what to do and say. But now, things seem different. All of a sudden, I slowed down from being the head of the pack. It seems that all I want now is for someone to take charge of me. Yes, I know that God is now the ruler of my life, but deep inside, I have this craving to be the recipient of something that I seemed to have run out of.

I do have friends who I know love me and care for me. However, maybe because I have always stood as everyone’s Ate that I failed to allow others show me love. That because I look so tough and capable of taking care of myself, other people think I am not in need of care myself. Or that they do not exactly know how to show me they care for me. Or maybe it’s just me—that I sometimes believe that I am not worthy of anybody’s love.

Uh-oh! Just this very moment, that last line up there really hit home. Here I am, telling other people how special they are because they are sons and daughters of God, and that they are beautiful because God created them when I myself doubt my true worth! I think I need to find out where that reaction is coming from. I need to seek the reasons why I have so many walls around me, why I built them in the first place and how I would be able to break those walls. Maybe after I find out, I would be able to allow others to really love me and care for me. Maybe others would then see that there’s a gentle side of me.

Wow, with all these impressions bottled up inside, I think I need a shrink to finally let them out. Seriously.